How to arrange your personal life
Well, it's time to get down to business. Do not be afraid - I will not send you immediately to the "terrible" task. On the contrary, I want you to first clarify the situation and watch for yourself. The wise king Solomon said: “He who gives the answer without hearing is stupid, and shame on him” (Prt 18:14). You can not take up serious work until you understand what, in fact, is your problem. To begin with, one should realistically assess the state of affairs on a personal front, face their problems and assign them (this psychological term means “to take responsibility for your own problems”: they are yours, not the people you meet with).
Trying to arrange their personal life, people, as a rule, face two main problems: either they have no one to meet, or all acquaintances are unsuccessful. In this book we will touch on the causes of both problems, and also see what can be done to solve them. But first of all you need to conscientiously perform the very first of the tasks that I gave Lily.
Step one; we keep records of the opposite sex whom we met during the week
Keep similar records for two to four weeks. Every week, discuss the results with people who support you. (The creation of a support team will be discussed in Chapter 11.) It is not difficult to keep records - draw two graphs in a notebook. In the first note how many new friends you have appeared in a week. These acquaintances must meet three conditions:
1. The people you meet should be new to you. People you did not know before. I will make a reservation: it is quite possible that you have already seen them, even threw oneself together with them a couple of words. The main thing is that before the acquaintance that enters your accounts, there is no real communication between you.
2. It is necessary that after talking with you they want to meet with you again.
3. They need to have your "contact information", for example, how you are called or where you can be found. You should know the same thing about them. Then you will have the opportunity to agree on further meetings that will allow you to get to know each other better.
The conditions set by me can be expressed by the following formula:
Date = new people + interest + the possibility of further development of relations
If at least one of the terms is removed from my equation, then the meeting most likely will not take place. Suppose you meet an interesting person, but if you do not know the number or where you can find it, then it is lost for you forever. Or, say, you saw a man, and he interested you. But if he does not have the opportunity to talk with you, or at least pay attention to you, no date will come out. So to achieve the result, it is necessary to comply with all three conditions.
Step two: analyze the number of dating
Fill in the first column of the number of new contacts that took place this week. Next to indicate the reason for the appearance of this figure. Think about why new friends have appeared so much or so little? We still do not care if there were few or many acquaintances - we need to understand the reasons why this figure appeared. I will give an example:
Remember what L said or when I gave her this assignment? She growled that her result would be zero. She was not mistaken in her guesses. (True, somehow Lily visited the conference, which gave her an artificially high number of new acquaintances.) But after Lily analyzed the figures, it became clear why she was not invited to meet.Five days a week she goes to work where she meets the same people. After work, she goes home, dines and watches TV with her roommate. And so almost every day. On Saturdays, Lily is sometimes chosen somewhere, but usually either alone or in the company of old friends. Every Sunday - the church, where she meets those people whom she knows all her life.
It is clear that Lily had nowhere to meet a new person. She lived as if she had completely trusted the “delivery service”: if a courier does not set foot on the threshold of her house, which for some reason God intended for her husband, nothing will change in her life. Lily herself did not take any initiative. Everything is simple and clear. We will return to the reasons for such a passive approach to your own life, and now I want you to understand what Lily discovered. There are always factors acting against you that prevent you from making new acquaintances. After reviewing her notes, Lily saw that there was no place for new relationships in her life, even in perspective. And this reality needed to be changed.
And now let's consider another situation. Suppose you lead a not reclusive life like Lily.You are in places where you can meet new people. However, after returning home, you see that you still have nothing to add to the journal. Why? I want you to think about this issue.
Imagine that you went to a big corporate party of your company. Many new faces. You liked the three men, but failed to get to know them. Or you made a new acquaintance, but could not fulfill the second requirement - to interest a new acquaintance so much that you wanted to meet again. You returned home, and you have nothing to write to the log book. Why didn't you talk to people you liked? Why didn't they introduce themselves? Why don’t you come up to the buffet and didn’t ask the person who was interested in you: “Have you already tried this jellied fish? She - not nasty "Or, if someone you know is talking with your" chosen ones, "that is why you are asked not to submit to you?
When you understand why this or that number appears in your journal, it will become clear to you what to do to get the desired result. I will cite examples from my own coaching practice. They affect all three components of the dating formula.In carrying out my tasks, people saw which of their habits were the cause of the setbacks.
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