Can't get along with his kids? Our tips will help you.
Situations of repeated marriages in the modern world are a normal and quite frequent phenomenon, therefore the problems of communication between members of former and present families are increasingly caught unawares by both newly wives and husbands. Very often, entering into a new marriage, a man brings his “past” into a new family, namely, a child from a previous marriage, with all the consequences.
Even finding an approach to your own child is not always an easy task, and what can you say about completely foreign children, even if your beloved man. You did not educate them and are a completely “alien aunt” who captured the attention of your beloved father. How to be in this situation?
Is it worth it to agree?
It must be said that a woman who decided to create a family with a man who already has a son from a previous marriage should have considerable endurance, life wisdom and an invincible desire to be with this man.A foreign child is a serious burden, one might even say, a real problem, which not every woman can cope with.
Sometimes we begin to be jealous of the husband for what he had in the past: for the child, the ex-wife, and sometimes the young wife simply doesn’t have enough life experience to bring up enough adult children of her husband from his first marriage.
Quite often abandoned offended wives begin to plot, trying to destroy or at least annoy the new relationship of the ex-husband, setting up the child against his new wife. Constant rivalry between the "past" and "present", endless feelings of jealousy, and sometimes anger and even aggression often lead to the fact that new marriages still break up, all attempts to bring harmony in the new family are reduced to nothing, and former lovers turn away from a friend forever.
Often, women who understand that they will not be able to live with such a burden of responsibility, simply refuse such a relationship, perhaps there is some sense in this - do not torture yourself or other people.
The laws of family life and the child from his first marriage
How can you find a common language with his children from a previous relationship? First,that the young wife should understand for herself: the one who appeared in the family later (the new wife) should respect the one who was there before him (the child and the first wife).
Observing this, at first glance, a simple rule, you can achieve the maximum balance and harmony in the house, and, therefore, the marriage will be as strong and stable as possible. It must be remembered that jealousy and constant disassembly only exacerbate the state of things, such families, more often than not, are short-lived.
Usually the situation with children from the first marriage is divided into two types: when children live with you, or when the husband only communicates with them, but they live with their first wife. In the first case, you definitely have nowhere to go: if the children from the first marriage live with you under a common roof, then, you do not want to, and with them you need to find a common language.
The reasons for the quarrels between the children and the “stepmother” in this situation can be very different, ranging from the baseless jealousy of the offspring to the banal hostility. In order to somehow establish contact and strengthen their own marriage, psychologists recommend doing the following:
- Do not try to become a mother, sister, friend or whatever else from the first days, in any case, you are for him a stranger to whom you need to get used. And this takes time.It is much more reasonable at this time to sincerely win the sympathy of the child. And this is not achieved by countless gifts and toys, believe me, if you do this only for the sole selfish purpose, the children will very quickly feel the falsity and even more turn away from the "stepmother." It is much more reasonable to be interested in his affairs, to try to unobtrusively participate in his life, for example, to help with lessons, watch your favorite films together, talk on various topics, while showing genuine interest in the little man.
- Try to make sure that your husband and his first child have a time when they can be together, believe me, this will only benefit the baby.
- If you see that your relationship with a new family member does not want to improve, try to talk about it with your husband. Sometimes only he can become that strong bridge that will help you to establish contact with his child. The same applies to those situations where a child in a fit of emotion begins to insult you or say nasty things that he heard at home from his mother. This is usually the case with older children, this is how they manifest a defensive reaction.Instead of insulting the offense, it is better if the father intervenes in the situation and explains to his beloved child that you, as an elder and full member of the family, should be respected.
- Try to stay alone with your child more often, but only when you see that he is close to this. During this time, try to find common topics for conversation, well, if you are brought together by some business or event, for example, you can discuss what to give your dad for his birthday or come up with something interesting for dinner, of course, having prepared the dish together. It is important that the baby begins to trust and see that you are with him on the same side.
- Do not try to put pressure on the child, it is better if he himself has a desire to once again turn to you for help or advice. But for this you need to always unobtrusively show him that you are always open for communication and help.
And if the child lives in another family?
Situations where the husband constantly goes to his ex-wife to talk with his daughter or son are also not easy for the nerves of the future spouse. There are always fears, jealousy and doubts in my head, but what if they have old feelings? What to do in this situation?
First, to show maximum patience and tolerance towards his past life, of course, if you really want to save your life together. It is necessary to take into account that there are no “former” children, and it’s normal that your loved one strives to take care of his child, perhaps because of his decency you loved him?
- Be tolerant of the fact that sometimes your ex-wife will call your husband about your total offspring, his success, his studies, his problems and sometimes even moments that seem insignificant to you. This should not be a blow or a surprise for you, of course, within reason.
- Be prepared for meetings with the child, because it's normal when the father communicates with his offspring. It is good if sometimes they will take you to such meetings or come to your home. Try not to show during the meetings how many of you are more important or closer to your beloved. Be always on the outside, but at the same time, be interested in children's affairs, their concerns and interests. Do not try to educate them somehow - let the parents do it.
- Do not forget that your man will spend some amount of money on a child from his first marriage and that's fine.To avoid further conflict situations on this issue, try to stipulate the amount of money that will be spent from the family budget for this article.
- Try to relieve your jealousy. Yes, it is not easy and sometimes almost impossible, but you will have to overcome yourself in order not to spoil your relationship with your husband. When you agreed to this marriage, you should have understood that you are accepting a man entirely, along with his past, and so that your present is not clouded by friction over this, a woman will need a lot of mental strength. But still, if everything is done correctly, she will be able to win over his children and fully win the heart and trust of her beloved.
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